One of the many, many, MANY things that drove up me up the frickin' wall when we first moved here was the convoluted layout of Bakersfield. Not so much the city writ large, which is laid out on a pretty basic grid with major thoroughfares about every mile, but the residential neighborhoods locked in blocks between the major streets.
For God knows what reason, the decision was made to design them all like Pan's Labyrinth. There are no straight lines, no direct routes between Point A and Point B. It's all endless zig zag streets and countless dead ends and grand looping boulevards to nowhere. No two are alike and they're all impenetrable. And seemingly inescapable. The first six months we lived here I felt like a lab rat trapped in a maze. Actually, I still do, but at least now I can usually navigate my way out.
And it would seem the feeling is universal.
I was walking the dogs yesterday afternoon when a car pulled up along side us and rolled to a stop. The passenger window slid down and there was a thirtysomething man behind the wheel, looking completely exasperated.
"Can you please tell me how to get the hell OUT of here???" he pleaded.
I looked at him with a straight face and asked...
"Are you referring to the neighborhood? Or Bakersfield?"
He laughed and said "The Neighborhood".
I told him he'd almost made it out, he was nearly there. He just had to drive up to the next stop sign and make a left and then he'd finally reach a major cross street and be free.
He thanked me and started to drive away but the the brake lights came on and he stopped again. As we came back up alongside him again, through the window he offered up a final question.
"If you ever figure out how to get the hell out of Bakersfield, let me know. I've been trying for twenty years..."
I will, kind sir, I will. It is now my life's only goal.
