A Night At The Oprah

"Our Oprah, which art on TeeVee,
hallowed be thy name;
thy kingdom come;
thy will be done,
on earth as it is in Chicago.
Give us this day our daily "Aha".
And forgive us our makeovers,
as we forgive them that makeover against us.
And lead us not into temptation;
but deliver us from Judge Judy.
For thine is the kingdom,
the power, and the glory,
for ever and EVAH!"

Amen.

I'm not sure what exactly I expected from Oprah's last show but I certainly didn't expect to be going to church. But that's exactly what it was, a one hour sermon from the High Priestess Herself, Pope Oprah the First... P'Oprah.

I was an infrequent Oprah viewer at best, but I had planned to watch her final shows this week. Then I discovered Monday's and Tuesday's shows were just pre-taped highlights from last week's Oprahpalooza in Chicago, most of which had already made their way online and on the news. So I passed on those, but I still planned on carving out an hour yesterday to watch the Grand Finale.

She was definitely preaching to the choir. When the show started and she quickly announced there would be no guests and nobody was getting anything, no cars, no vacations, no nothing, I thought "Then why the hell are we here?" Maybe it meant something to the True Believers, but to me it seemed like an hour of Oprah reading off Hallmark cards, broken up only by commercials for Sizzler and Mattressland. And there was something deeply unsettling about a Billionaire media mogul lecturing people to find "their bliss" and live a simple life of love and light. Or maybe I'm just terminally cynical.

At one point I accidentally leaned on the remote and the channel changed to the BBC World News, and even they were doing a report on her but they kept pronouncing her name "Opera", which made me laugh and gave me the title for the post.

I tried to stick with it but after about 20 minutes I threw in the towel and went back to work.

Don't get me wrong, I like Oprah. I think she's done a lot of good in the world and brought attention to a lot of worthy causes. But the orgy of Oprah these past few weeks and months has been overkill on steroids. By the time the show started yesterday I kept thinking "How can we miss you if you won't ever go away?"

But now she's gone. So she says. It'll be interesting to see how long that lasts.

All Hail The O

I'm a little late to the Oprah bandwagon, say... 25 years. But in my scant weeks of unemployment, I've come to believe that, were she so inclined, Oprah could change the magnetic field of Earth.

Change the poles with the snap of her fingers.

And don't think she wouldn't, so don't piss her off.

The Big O

I've seen "Shark Week" on the Discovery Channel, but that pales in comparison to the feeding frenzy that was "Oprah's Favorite Things" yesterday. How is it I've never known of this before? Oh, right - I used to have a job. Evidently she does it every year, and since this is her farewell season she blew out all the stops. People were sobbing uncontrollably, collapsing on the floor in hysterics, raising their hands in praise, basically losing their shit. It looked like a Benny Hinn revival. You would have thought it was the Second Coming, but it was better than that.... it was OPRAH.

She handed out all kinds of baubles and electronics and interspersed them with what I consider "filler gifts". But the audience didn't care. You know something is amiss when an apparently straight man is openly weeping after receiving a $500 bra makeover from Nordstrom. She ended it all by giving out the Mother of All Gifts, a 2012 Volkswagen Beetle. The couldn't even see it because they haven't finished it yet so she unveiled it in silhouette...



I'd forgotten how lonely working from home is. I tried working with music but my iPod is old and the shuffle has developed a mind of it's own and has decided the only thing it will play is Serge Gainsbourg. The freaky thing I don't remember ever putting any Serge on it. Oh well.

So I've fallen back into an old habit from college where I constantly have the TV on the background for company. I only half pay attention, unless it's the View, and I've become quite the Daytime TV connoisseur.

It's a little sad to see so few soap operas left, although my favorite All My Children is still on. I've found I can't watch it though because all the characters I grew up with look so damn old now. The men I had crushes on are all grandfathers on the show now. I feel bad enough, thanks.

The talk shows are a little better, although it pains me to say this but I can't stand Rachel Ray. The "cute, bubbly" thing has run it's course and her voice sounds like glass in the disposal now. And if I hear her say "E.V.O." one more time I may rip the cable out of the wall. I do like "Ellen", although she really needs to tone down the gay thing. And I say that as a gay man, and with love. And of course, there's Oprah. Even if I had anything bad to say about her I wouldn't for fear of being struck by lightning, such is her power.

But what fascinates me the most are the infomercials. I find them mesmerizing. I've seen more juicers than you can shake a carrot at, and who knew there were so many types of vacuums? I saw one the other day that sucked up a whole rack of billiard balls! And don't even get me started on George Foreman. It was a little sad seeing Wesley Snipes hawking Total Gym. My, how his star has fallen. I did a photo shoot with him back in the 90's in New York. It was at the height of his fame and he was in an "Asian" phase. All the catering had to be Chinese, including the masseuse he demanded to "work out the kinks" (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) before the shoot. And after.

But without a doubt, the most jawdroppingly stupid one is for "30 Second Smile". It's a toothbrush that seesaws back and forth in your mouth. It's like a Shake Weight for your teeth. It's not so much the product that's so disturbing, although it is, it's the testimonials...

"Brushing my teeth was so hard before..."

"It used to be so much work to brush my teeth.."

"Back and forth... it takes a lot out of you..."

Are you kidding me? Have we, as a nation, become such lazy asses that brushing our teeth is so strenuous we now need a machine to do it for us? Holy Cow. The best part is the Dr. who pops up to endorse it. He's from the "Tennessee Dental School". Because at the end of the day, we all want Hillbilly teeth.

But enough about that. I have to go. I hear Joy Behar in the background...