It's my fault, really. I'd been to Red Lobster before so I knew what to expect. The boyfriend wasn't so lucky.
Although, he isn't blameless. He really left me no out. He came home from work last night and announced we were going out to eat and he gave me three choices... Golden Corral, Applebee's or Red Lobster.
As morbidly curious as I am about Golden Corral (we've yet to visit), I simply wasn't in the mood to be shoving a plastic cafeteria tray down a line of warming bins, sandwiched between all-you-can-eat fat asses. So I chose Red Lobster, if for no other reason than I knew they had a full bar. True, Applebee's also has a full bar, but we'd eaten there once and there aren't enough cocktails in the world to erase the experience.
The Red Lobster here is housed in a faux clapboard shanty out on Rosedale Highway. If you were hoping for visions of coastal New England you're going to have to use your imagination and work it hard. It sits at the edge of a vast WalMart parking lot, across the street from a defunct power plant that's surrounded by miles of dirt, tumbleweeds and razor wire topped chain link fencing. It's like dining in prison.
Our waiter was overly attentive; I think he's gunning for manager. He took our drink order and then asked if we were interested in an appetizer. The boyfriend immediately suggested oysters. We both love oysters.
"What type of oysters do you serve?" the boyfriend asked. "Kumamotos? Miyagis?"
"Ameripure®" the waiter replied. "They're factory grown."
We passed on the Frankenstein oysters.
The waiter returned with our drinks and to take our dinner order. The boyfriend ordered some sort of "clam bake". I don't really know what I ordered. I had forgotten my glasses and couldn't read the menu, so when the waiter asked what I'd like, I went full-on Cro-Magnon and just pointed to the pretty picture. For starters the boyfriend ordered a Caesar salad and I ordered the lobster bisque.
"Do you have anchovies?" the boyfriend asked. Why he still does that after two years is beyond me. They've never heard of them here, move on.
Soon enough, the first course arrived. The waiter deposited a plate of croutons in front of the boyfriend. On closer inspection there was actually a small salad buried under the mound of stale bread. And then the waiter placed a bowl of Thousand Island dressing in front of me. There must be a mistake, I thought, I didn't order a salad. Turns out, that was the lobster "bisque".
Then, on to the entrees.
One thing is clear: Although Red Lobster advertises "seafood", what it really is is "C Food", the "C" being for "CostCo". Frozen CostCo seafood.
The boyfriend's dish was a huge bowl of shard like shells, soaking in a suspicious looking broth. He held up a "scallop" - it was the size of a finger nail. Mine was some sort of combo, two types of shrimp and a "petite" lobster tail. It was so "petite", it was smaller than the shrimp. And everything tasted the same, like... bad fish.
It seems I misjudged them. It wasn't CostCo seafood after all. It was all injection molded tilapia.
So, we'll be crossing Red Lobster off the list. It did accomplish one thing. It managed to make Golden Corral seem appealing.
