This morning I find myself on the horns of a dilemma.
In a grave moral and ethical crisis of conscience.
And it involves Walmart.
The problem began back in late September when a water pipe leak in the attic took out most of our family room ceiling, leaving a gaping opening into the rafters of the attic. It still hasn't been fixed, by the way, due to a lowball estimate from our insurance company and $1000 deductible. I've just resigned myself to living with it and now refer to it as "the loft".
Additionally, the leak took out our relatively new TV and stereo system. You'll be unsurprised to know that most modern electronics aren't submersible. But in this instance the insurance company was jolly on the spot and showed up the following week to cart away the damaged goods and present us with a check for full replacement cost.
We were just going to go back to where we had originally purchased the TV but then one day a Walmart circular arrived in the mail and it turns out they were having a sale on TVs.
A big sale.
The exact same TV was going for hundreds of dollars less. And it looked like they had a decent selection of stereos for well under what we were paid to replace the old one. With the savings we figured we could get some much needed things for the house and stock up on groceries. It sounded like a win/win, even if it meant shopping at Walmart.
So that Saturday we trudged over to the nearest Walmart. We quickly found the electronics and then did a spin around the store picking up whatever else we needed. I wheeled the overflowing cart up to the checkout.
"Do you have a Walmart account?" the pleasant young man asked.
No I do not. To open a Walmart account is to admit defeat, to surrender to the Dark Side.
"If you open account, you'll save an additional 10% on your purchases" he teased.
Well, that was something to think about. It was a pretty big purchase and 10% off would mean a month of meals at Golden Corral. We'd just pay it off the first month with the funds from the insurance company.
So I took the plunge.
Fast forward to last Friday when I was paying my bills for the month of December. It suddenly occurred to me I had never received a bill from Walmart, nor any cards. Fearing our mail may have been hijacked, I place a call to Bentonville, Arkansas.
They're nice people, those Arkansans. I'd never want to live there, but the man on the phone was nice enough. I explained my problem and he assured me we'd straighten it out. He asked for my name and I gave it.
"Hmmmm" he said. "You don't show up in our system. Are you sure the account was opened in that name?"
What else would I open it up in... my Drag Queen Name?
No problem he said, he could find it using my phone number and address.
Again, nothing.
"Let's try your Social" he said. He was beginning to sound flustered.
Nothing.
"Would you mind holding while I talk to a supervisor?"
It dawned on me that now would be a good time to hang up, but figuring they already had all the info they needed to track me down, I hung on hold. For what seemed like forever.
Finally, he popped back on the line.
"I have to say, sir, we are completely baffled. We've never had this happen before. I've spoken to my supervisor, and he spoke to his, we've run your information through three different systems and you are nowhere to be found."
If Walmart can't find you, that's like being in the Witness Protection Program.
"Do you happen to have your store receipt?"
I was staring at it, the receipt, unsure whether I should reveal that or not, but before I could respond he added "it won't allow us to track you in the system because it only has a temporary account number which is your Social Security number, but it will give us the name of the clerk who helped you so we can... contact them."
Well I'm going to be responsible for that, siccing the Walmart shock troops on some poor unsuspecting high school dropout. I'm not going to have that on my conscience. I said I didn't have it.
"What was it you said you purchased?"
I hadn't, and now he was probing. If they didn't have me in the system, that also meant they had no idea what I had bought.
"Dish towels" I replied.
That wasn't technically a lie. There had in fact dish been dish towels wedged between the surround sound system and the 50 inch plasma TV.
After being put on hold AGAIN for about 5 minutes, he came back with the some news.
"Sir, no one here has experienced this before. The only thing we can think for you to do is to go to the store, contact a supervisor and re-apply for an account and we're hoping that the new application will somehow trigger the system to find your old one."
They were "hoping". And so was I. But not for the same thing.
So now I'm torn. I should probably just go ahead an do it. With my luck the original application will eventually pop up and Walmart will slap me with a fortune in late fees and penalties. Or have me arrested. On the surface, it would seem that that's the right thing to do.
Then again, it's Walmart.
