"I spoke to your sister and she said she's coming up to visit you."
It was last Thursday and I was on the phone with my mother. I feared this was the first sign of dementia.
My sister? Visiting me? In Bakersfield?
That was fucking unlikely.
We used to be close, but now we're not. The boyfriend and I see her and her family at Thanksgiving or Christmas. And we usually have some sort of family gangbang in April to cover Easter, my mother's birthday and Mother's Day. But that's it. We never speak on the phone. In fact, she doesn't even have a phone number for me.
But wouldn't you know it, later that night I received a phone call from her. She had gotten my number from my mom.
"Hey! It looks like we'll be passing through Bakersfield tomorrow and we thought we'd stop by and say hi."
Passing through. That's the best way to see Bakersfield. But passing through to where?
The answer was Fresno.
For Mona Vie.
It was a huge gathering of the Mona Vie clans, or covens, for a massive conclave and some big announcement.
How big an announcement could it be if they're announcing it in Fresno? I mean, Fresno is definitely a step up from Bako, but it's a small step, trust me.
She said they were getting on the road early and would be here around 10am Friday. I gave her our address and told her to call from the base of the Grapevine and I'd put on a fresh pot of coffee. And sure enough, right before 10, they arrived.
I was surprised to see they had my sullen looking niece in tow. She's been home from college for the summer and having a miserable time. This was certainly not going to help. She looked distressed, like she'd been taken hostage, and in a sense, she had been.
I ushered everyone into the living room and got everyone drinks. We dispensed with the small talk in short order because it became obvious this was less of a visit and more of a recruitment drive. I've lost count of the number of times my sister has tried to rope me into this Ponzi scheme. The last time was when she ghoulishly cornered me in the corner of my mother's ICU room after she'd open heart surgery. I thought then I had put this matter to rest, but she came on stronger than ever. I began to think perhaps there was a prize if they showed up in Fresno with fresh scalps. Maybe free drink tickets.
In a sense I had left myself open for attack because during our all too brief chit chat I had mentioned my current career woes. I was now a swimmer with an open wound and she smelled blood.
To hear her tell it, Mona Vie was the "Elixir of Gods", the cure to what ails you, the road to untold riches and happiness.
I wanted to tell her off once and for all, but I was concerned about doing it in front of my niece. Why, I don't know. I see what she writes on her Facebook wall and she's certainly heard worse. Finally I just said "I'm not going to be selling any juice".
Ah, but that's where I had it all wrong. It wasn't juice... it was a lifestyle.
"It's so much more than the juice" my sister explained. "The juice almost doesn't even really matter. There's books and CD's and DVD's and seminars..."
"Books and DVD's about WHAT?" I asked.
"About leadership and teambuilding and communication skills... " she said. All in service of "building your Mona Vie Team". So the whole thing is geared towards suckering another layer of fucktards below you. It's a classic pyramid scheme, and it seems to be just about played out. There is no way this will end well for them.
"How much money have you made off of this thing in the year your've been doing it?" I asked.
My sister answered sheepishly.... "Nothing."
Before I could say anything she quickly added "but it's all tax deductible".
What is?
"The travel and the books and DVD's" she answered.
Oy vey. In the past year, that I know of, they've traveled to Columbus, Grand Rapids, Seattle and San Francisco for these Mona Vie clusterfucks. They've probably spent thousands of dollars on airfare and lodging and I'm sure you can't leave one of these things without dropping a couple of hundred bucks on motivational bullshit. They must be into this thing for over 20 grand at this point. And now they were trying to make some of it back on me.
I tried to change the subject and turned to my niece. "So what will you be doing in Fresno while your folks are being brainwashed?" I asked.
My sister jumped in.... "Oh she's 18 now, we signed her up. She's part of the team now."
That should count as child abuse.
And all too soon, and yet not soon enough, our visit was over. They had to hit the road to make the first seminar at 1pm. I waved good-bye, hoping to never see them again.
Sunday I was apprehensive all day. I knew they were returning home that day and I was living in fear they were going to swing by and take another shot at me. Maybe the boyfriend too. But we heard not a word.
Until last night.
The phone rang, and it was my sister. That's twice in one week, more than in the past ten years. If this keeps up, it may be a problem.
"Hey you!" she said. "I finally got you your belated birthday gift." My birthday was in May and I got bupkis from her, not even a card.
I shuddered to think what the "gift" might be, and I didn't have to wait long to find out.
"For your birthday I signed you up for Mona Vie! We paid all your registration fees for you as a gift. You don't even have to do anything. At least... not yet."
My sister sounded threatening.
"Well be in touch to let you know what you'll need to do going forward."
I got off the phone and I was scared. I had been signed up for a cult without my consent and against my wishes. I didn't know what my options were, if any, at that point. My sister now has my address. She knows where I live.
