It's two steps forward, one step back. Or is that one step forward, two steps back? Hard to tell.
Things had been going so amazingly well with my new Bakersfield client that obviously it was time for a setback.
The woman I work for, Melissa, is president of the company and we had hit it off immediately. She's smart and funny and utterly out of place here, like me. I had already completed four projects for her and her marketing team and they were thrilled with the work. Better yet, they'd already paid me for them! They were so happy with the work that the floodgates opened and I found myself with over a dozen upcoming projects. We decided we should meet and hash out a schedule, so yesterday I dropped by the office. The meeting went well and we got all our ducks in a row and right at the end, almost as an afterthought, Melissa dropped a little bomb.
"By the way, we have all our employees take a personality test..."
Wha.......?
"You can do it online, I'll send you the link. They'll send me the results and I'll forward them to you."
What to think about that? Honestly, I didn't really see the point. We obviously had a good thing going. Why ruin it by getting to know me? As pleasant as she was about it, it was clear it wasn't a choice. I was taking the test.
And sure enough, when I got home and checked my e-mail, there was the link.
The test was deceptively simple, only 24 questions. Mostly about how you'd describe yourself and your attitudes. I grew a little concerned that several dealt with the concept of "optimism"...
"Are you an optimistic person?"
No.
"Do people say you have a 'sunny disposition'?"
Fuck no.
There were also a couple of questions dealing with faith, which made me wonder if this was some sort of evangelical litmus test.
I tried to throw it and put myself in the best light, but the questions were so random it was hard to tell what the expected answer would be. I decided I'd just tell the truth and hope that my candor would make up for obvious misanthropic qualities. It took about 10 minutes and then I hit "submit" and forgot about it.
About two hours later, I heard my e-mail chime, and there was a message from Melissa. The subject line said simply...
"WOW"
I opened it, but there was nothing else, just the attached test results.
And they weren't good.
Apparently I am an egotistical sociopath.
An incredibly creative egotistical sociopath. Not that that really softens it all that much.
The test results ran 48 pages. There were only 24 questions. That's two pages of "analysis" for each response! Obviously I'd just been reduced to some sort of algorithm, plugged into some software and it spit out page after page of boilerplate personality traits.
The report started off...
"This report was designed to increase the understanding of an individual's talents. The report provides insight to two distinct areas: behaviors and motivators. Understanding strengths and weaknesses in both of these areas will lead to personal and professional development and a higher level of satisfaction."
Yeah, right.
At the bottom of the cover page, they helpfully added this...
"This report analyzes behavioral style; that is, a person's manner of doing things. Is the report 100% true? Yes, no and maybe. We are only measuring behavior. We only report statements from areas of behavior in which tendencies are shown. To improve accuracy, feel free to make notes or edit the report regarding any statement from the report that may or may not apply, but only after checking with friends or colleagues to see if they agree."
WTF?
Why not just say "This report is an amusing novelty, like a fortune cookie."
I couldn't believe anyone would take this thing seriously, but evidently the company I worked for swore by it. I was fucked.
"Eric is goal-oriented and driven by results. He is the team member who will try to keep the others on task. He wants to be seen as a winner and has an inherent dislike for losing or failing. He tends to work hard and long to be successful. He is extremely results-oriented, with a sense of urgency to complete projects quickly. He is often considered daring, bold and gutsy. He is a risk taker who likes to be seen as an individualist. Eric establishes many standards for himself and others. His high ego strength demands that his standards will be met. He may be so self-confident that others see him as arrogant. This confidence may be something others wish they had. He is forward-looking, aggressive and competitive. His vision for results is one of his positive strengths. He may lose interest in a project once the challenge ceases. He may then be ready for another challenging project. Eric likes people, but can be seen occasionally as cold and blunt. He may have his mind on project results, and sometimes may not take the time to be empathetic toward others. He prefers being a team player, and wants each player to contribute along with him."
Eh, maybe it's not so bad after all...
"Eric may display a lack of empathy for others who cannot achieve his standards. He challenges people who volunteer their opinions. When communicating with others, Eric must carefully avoid being excessively critical or pushy. He tries to get on with the subject, while others may be trying to work through the details. He is not influenced by people who are overly enthusiastic. They rarely get his attention."
Then again, maybe it is...
"Eric usually sees himself as being:
Pioneering
Assertive
Competitive
Confident
Positive
Winner
OTHERS' PERCEPTION
Under moderate pressure, tension, stress or fatigue, others may see him as being:
Demanding
Nervy
Egotistical
Aggressive
And, under extreme pressure, stress or fatigue, others may see him as being:
Abrasive
Controlling
Arbitrary
Opinionated"
OK, I'm fucked.
And those were the GOOD points.
The boyfriend came home while I was reading through the report and saw I was upset. He stood behind me and read over my shoulder.
"This isn't me" I protested. "Please tell me this isn't me..."
I looked at him and he said nothing, just arched a single eyebrow.
"I'd better go get dinner on" he said as he left the room.
So today should prove to interesting. I have to drop back by the office later and I half expect to see the entire staff cowering under their desks. Maybe they'll just lock me out.
It's a shame. I really liked them
