So we both started smoking again. There's a shocker. This particular effort to quit was doomed from the start. When my partner announced in early August "we" would be quitting that week, my first reaction was "Are you out of your fucking mind? NOW?"
He was on unemployment, with absolutely zero prospects. I hadn't worked in months, nor been paid for the work I did prior to that. The house was about to enter escrow as a short sale, in an effort to stave off foreclosure. We were in the process of packing up our things with no idea where in the world we were going. What a simply fantastic time to sneak up behind me and kick out the last crutch I had. "But we need to think about our health" he said. No shit. I thought about my health everyday, wondering if the constant chest pains were merely from stress or the warning signs of a major coronary. I didn't have time to worry about my health sometime in the mythical future. But he was undeterred, and just to maintain peace in the family I went along with it.
And the first few weeks were actually OK. Didn't miss it at all. It looked for awhile like this time would finally be IT, the final triumphant attempt to kick the habit. And then we found out we'd be moving to Bako.
I started cheating immediately. Sneaking them when he was at work or when I walked the dogs. I thought it was curious he didn't smell it, but it ends up that's because he was cheating too. He denies it to this day, but when you do a load of laundry and out fall a half a dozen lighters, and they aren't yours, then I think it's safe to say he's being a bit disingenuous. But no matter - it is what it is.
So we're out on the patio having a smoke last week (we don't smoke in the house), and all of a sudden, from over the fence we hear a horrible hacking cough, followed quickly by a door slamming. And it was a fake cough, the kind you do when you're calling in sick, but you really aren't. The type of over-production that isn't fooling anyone.
It's Mary. The neighbor. And she's sending us a signal.
My boyfriend thought I was being paranoid. Maybe she was sick. Maybe she just accidentally slammed the door. Why did I always have to think the worst of people? ( I just do.)
Anyhow, the next day it happened again...
Cough, cough, HACK, cough... SLAM
Oy vay. OK, we get it. We decide to do the considerate thing and if we must smoke, we'll just go to the opposite side of the yard, at the edge of the dead lawn, next to the fence we share with Cindy, the nice neighbor. And Cindy's a smoker too, so it's cool. Forty feet from Mary's fence, I light up a smoke and...
Cough, cough, HACK, cough... SLAM
You have GOT to be kidding me. Doesn't she ever go inside? And how could she smell it two seconds after it's lit? Mary's a bitch. But neither one of us are in any mood to start a feud with someone we share a wall with. So we decide we just won't go outside if Mary is outside. You can usually tell when she is, because her yard is festooned with tiny white Christmas lights and she turns them on when she goes outside. Such a magical look for such a miserable person. So that becomes the drill - we poke our heads out the door and see if the coast is clear. And that worked exactly twice. The third time, we see no lights and step outside on the patio and light a smoke, and 10 seconds later we hear a window slide open and then hear
Cough, cough, HACK, cough... SLAM
Now I'm just pissed. At least have the decency to talk to us. But no, she always just scurries away whenever we run into each other in the front yard. Just like her little cockroach friends. I'm beginning to wonder where this is all headed. Well, yesterday, we found out.
We came home Sunday afternoon to discover Mary has shrunk-wrapped her patio. Hung heavy gauge plastic and turned it into an outside ICU. Never say Mary doesn't know how to make a point.
My boyfriend looks at me and says "Do you think that's because of us?" Um... exactly what other reason could there possibly be? That the City of Bakersfield has quarantined her with an infectious disease and neglected to mention it to us? No, I think it's safe to say it's because of us. God I hate her.
So the saddest thing about this whole episode is we were going to give quitting another shot around the holidays. With the house gone, and things starting to settle down in our lives (albeit in Bako) we figured we should give it a serious try. But not now. We're going to keep smoking to spite her. I'm on my way out to pick up a carton right now. Fuck her. And her little dog too.
