So I finally met Jim, the Exterior Decorator. He lives around the corner and I see him every morning between 7:30 and 8:00 when I walk the dogs. We hadn't met until today because I've never caught him between sets - Jim has weights in his garage, and every morning as we pass by, there he is, grunting loudly through presses and squats. Garage door wide open. Whitesnake blaring from a boombox. No need for an alarm clock if you live near Jim.
Only the left side of the garage is set up for working out. The right side is reserved for afternoons and evenings, with recliners and lawn chairs facing the street and coolers as foot rests. It reminds me of his mullet - business on the left, party on the right. I see him almost every afternoon too, but usually by then Jim and his buddies are too blotto to offer up more than a wave.
As near as I can tell, the only job Jim has is decorating his house. The walls are hung with everything from wrought iron sunbursts and signs of positive affirmation to numerous San Francisco 49er pennants. A sign over the entryway proclaims "Happy Hour 24/7", as if you hadn't already figured that out. Every flat surface, along the walls and roofline, is crowded with potted plants and other ornaments. And then there's the tree. Smack dab in the center of the yard is a large tree which Jim has accessorized. Dozens of hanging plants, in macrame hangers, bird houses, feeders and lanterns. Not stopping there, he's nailed up wooden platforms in the crux of the limbs to display ever more potted plants. "Overkill" does not appear to be a word in Jim's vocabulary.
But it's the holidays where Jim truly shines. His was the house that sprouted Halloween inflatables promptly on October 1st. A huge inflatable Grim Reaper and witch to start. And every single day throughout October brought a new addition. Bats, ghosts, spiderwebs, zombies, Frankenstein, cauldrons, severed heads, more witches, more bats, more, more, more. By the time Halloween rolled around you could barely make out the house. Whatever wasn't inflatable was motion activated, which scared the shit out of the dogs. Literally.
And then, just like that.... gone. The morning after Halloween, the dogs and I were making the rounds around 7:30am (they don't believe in sleeping in, ever) and as we rounded the corner you were hit with.... nothing. Not a trace. Not so much as cobweb remained. Why on earth would he go out in the dead of the night, or the crack of dawn, and remove it all?
To make way for Thanksgiving! By the afternoon walk, his front yard was sporting an 8 foot inflatable turkey in a pilgrim hat. His pace has been much less frenetic over the past two weeks. So far he's only added some smily face scarecrows, a smattering of pilgrims and tiki torches. I'm really not getting the torches, but whatever. Oh, and the turkey is now holding a case of Bud light. I'm still hoping for some indians, or maybe even a Mayflower, but I realize he's working with a much more limited palette.
But the thing that has me really excited is that I believe all of this has just been a dress rehearsal, a warm up to the big kahuna.... Christmas! I have a feeling Christmas is going to be S P E C T A C U L A R!
