Day five of marching in the corporate uniform marching band. As uniforms go, this one isn't horrible. Of course, that's speaking as someone who's last uniform was a pirate costume at Disneyland.
At first I was pretty demoralized. Picking out my wardrobe each day was just about the last creative decision I was allowed anymore. But then I realized I could sleep later and it wasn't such an issue.
There are, however, some unforeseen hazards. I discovered that the first day I wore it. I had gone home for lunch and on the way back to the office I stopped at the corner gas station for some smokes. It was over 100 and I decided to treat myself to a gargantuan soft drink. As I was at the counter paying for it all, a disapproving voice piped up behind me.
"You should be ashamed of yourself! You work at XXXXXX and you're drinking soft drinks! And cigarettes!
My company is in a health care related field and the insignia is on my shirt. Evidently I was now supposed to be an ambassador of healthy living. I can tell you right now this isn't going to work for me.
I turned around and was confronted by an enormously pear shaped woman. I was about to say "Fuck off you fat sow and mind your own business..." when she added
"...XXX XXXXXXX (my boss) would be sick if he saw that. You need to put that back and get some fruit juice or water!"
Lovely. She knows my boss. Probably from church. Luckily for me I wasn't able to get a word out, because if I had she'd be showing up at the office with a pitchfork demanding I be run out of town on a rail. Such is life in a small town full of vindictive little vigilantes.
The ironic thing wasn't so much being lectured about my unhealthy habits by a woman the size of a hot tub, although that was pretty amusing. What I found more ironic is I'm probably the healthiest person in this office. My 2XL shirts hang like a circus tent on me, but my male co-workers in the same shirt look like they're wearing spandex. They don't carry "Larges", but they do carry XXXXL. Most of the men here barely fit through the doorways.
Lesson #1 going forward is not to stop anywhere on the way to or from work, lest anyone else feel the need to badger me about where I work.
Lesson #2? Only use the drive-up window at Jack-in-the-Box from now on.
And always supersize it!
