Psych Ops

I was in our postage stamp sized back yard last week and I was afraid I had finally cracked.

I was hearing voices.

Shania Twain, to be exact.

I'm not sure which was scarier - that I thought I was hearing it, or that I actually recognized who it was.

But it turns out I'm not losing it, it really was her, on the radio, playing so quietly you could barely hear her it.

And it was coming from next door.

From Mary.

Oh Lord, what fresh hell was this? We'd grown somewhat immune to her antics, the random thuds and pounding on the wall, the midnight vacuuming. It was like people who live near the airport and never hear the planes after awhile. And now, country music.

But then I heard a rustling of her mangy dogs from the other side of the fence and it occurred to me I hadn't seen her PT Cruiser in awhile. In fact, she'd rolled her trash bins out days before pickup, which was unlike her. She must be away, and she left the radio on outside, low, to comfort the dogs in her absence. How uncharacteristically sweet of her. We actually do the same with our dogs when we know we're going to be gone awhile, although we leave it on classical. Wouldn't want the dogs to turn stupid. I actually felt a little guilty for assuming the worst of her.

But if we've learned anything about Mary it's to never giver her the benefit of the doubt. She returned the next day, but the country music persists. It's been on 24/7 now for over a week, and every day the volume seems to get ratcheted up just a teeny tiny little bit.

She's fucking with us.

I'm assuming her goal is to make being outside uncomfortable, to keep us from smoking. If true, it's rather pointless - we grew tired of her regular performances of "Second Hand Smoke Dinner Theater" and once the weather turned cold we just started smoking in the house. Fuck it, it's a rental.

So she has no reason to do what she does other than pure spite, which is apparently her M.O. with everyone. She shares a driveway with a duplex on the opposite side. She can easily park her car in her empty two car garage, or on the street, but every day she positions her car in the middle of the driveway, as close to the center line as possible. She parks directly opposite her neighbor's garage door and it forces them to execute a 36 point turn just to leave the house. As far as I can tell, the only reason she does it is because she can.

What a bitter, miserable person.

If I might be so bold as to paraphrase Shania... that don't impress me much. Bitch.