Following up on the post from yesterday, it's obvious that Bakersfield has an image problem.
It's what we call in marketing a "damaged brand".
It's reputation is in the toilet, it's the butt of jokes, the name alone is a punchline. So, what to do? Do we set about trying to fix all the problems that caused the crisis in the first place?
Hell no. That would be a lot of work and could take years. Who has time for that?
No, the answer is "re-branding".
Give it a new name.
And hope all the negative associations follow the old name down the memory hole.
It happens in business all the time. Blackwater, the Bush administration's favorite mercenaries, recently changed it's name to "Xe". "Black" is usually not a word you want associated with your brand, especially if you're in the business of torture and killing. The new name is a calculated little piece of gibberish that looks like a typo and will be easily lost on the front page. Which is exactly the point. Phillip Morris, it's feelings hurt by constantly being associated with cancer, changed it's name to "Altria", which sounds positively benevolent. Tricon Global, the corporation that owns Taco Bell and KFC, changed it's name to "Yum!", which is just idiotic, but it's working for them.
It's not always a success. Pepsi recently spent $50 million to change it's logo to look like the mark of a third world airline and has become a luaghingstock. AOL recently spent almost as much to become... "Aol.", lowercase, with a period. That's a LOT of money for a period.
At any rate, "Bakersfield", is just irreparably damaged and it's time to flush it out to the fields. So what next?
Obviously this isn't a task to be entrusted to the locals. Judging by their work naming the endless new subdivisions, there's a better than even chance we'd all end up living in "EL CAMINO DEL REY MAR VISTA, CALIFORNIA". We can't take that chance.
So that's why I'm offering to help.
The first rule of re-branding is to not make the situation worse. So "Shitsville", "Dogpatch", "Hooterville", they're out. You also have to be mindful of how your name appears online, as the office chain Pen Island found out when they registered "penisland.com".
Rule two is it should sound pleasant, yet innocuous.
Thirdly, you have to be able to copyright it. That's why the SciFi network recently became "SyFy". Odd spellings of common words allow you to copyright it and, more importantly, sue people.
And finally, it should be fairly descriptive and, if possible, marginally accurate.
So taking all of that into consideration, and after a lot of careful thought, I've honed my suggestions down to what I'm convinced is a winner:
"Llandphyl".
*Update*
A friend just called with a brilliant alternative.... "Septic".
Although, for legal and copyright considerations I think I would go with "Ceptic".
Works for me.
