This morning's headlines were all about shark attacks and missing white women, an unmistakable sign we've reached the dog days of summer. Did it ever occur to anyone that maybe the white women were eaten by the shark, or is that just too obvious?
Any way you slice it this has been a Debbie Downer summer. Little work, dwindling funds and now health issues. A crazy stock market and crazier Republicans and the fear that everything is going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better.
Adding to the general malaise is the realization that the motley group of characters I refer to as "my neighbors" have been more or less missing in action all summer. When it comes right down to it, it's been very lonely around here the past few months. I haven't a clue what's become of them, but I certainly miss the distractions.
I haven't see Roz in ages, although I noticed she upgraded to "RozMobile 2.0". A few weeks back I noticed a brand new Vette parked in front of her condo. It's an absolutely hideous shade of brown, a color so ugly it must be custom. I can't imagine a car company actually offering it as an option, not even an American one. I'm guessing she picked it to match her leopard print car cover. I was relieved to see that "Lil' Roz" made the lateral move, her unmistakably jaunty silhouette still perched on the dash.
Likewise, I haven't seen Roz's partner/roommate/ whatever, Deena the Dog Whisperer. She did drive past us once, with a wave, her rabid dogs almost busting out the back windows of her Kia when they spotted my dogs. I swear it's only a matter of time before those beasts kill something. Let's just hope it's one of the neighborhood kids and not a dog.
The Suburban Gangbangers have been M.I.A. all summer, the low-riders never leaving the driveway. If I had to guess, I think their absence probably involves parole violations.
No sign either of our dumbshit neighbor, Margaret. Obviously she eventually had her power restored because her rattle trap air conditioner runs nonstop and sounds like it's about to launch itself off the roof.
The Old Man Who Washes His Car hasn't been spotted in months. Maybe he's dead.
I did catch a glimpse of our old bitchy neighbor, Mary. She's sporting a new look these days, a hairstyle that harkens back to early 80's Nancy Reagan. It just confirms what I've always suspected - Bakersfield is about 30 years behind the times.
But by far the most shocking absence has been Jim. As long as we've lived here he's been a fixture in the front yard, through every season, hot or cold. Normally his morning would be spent decorating the yard, hoisting pots and decorations up into the sad little tree. Once it got to be too hot, he'd retreat to his lawn chair with a cocktail, holding court and watching the world go by.
But not lately.
I have no idea what's up, but Jim has seemingly vanished. I know he's here, I can occasionally hear his voice. But it's almost as if he's in hiding. I hope there isn't a warrant out for him. That would really bum me out.
With everyone missing, I've had to look elsewhere for my entertainment. So thank God I found THIS!
It's absolutely brilliant. Where to start? How about with the photos? They look great don't they? It almost makes Bakersfield look livable. Too bad all the photos are stock images of other, nicer places. Or how about the music? You won't be getting that tune out of your head all day, let me tell you.
I'm completely mystified why this website exists. All the locals will know it's obviously a lie. And nice as it is, it's not enough to actually lure unsuspecting tourists here and trap them. Or maybe it is. That's a pretty low bar.
Hey! What a great idea. I want to open a bar here in Bakersfield and call it the "Pretty Low Bar". Look for it under "Nightlife", coming soon.
