I read that on a bumper sticker, so it must be true, right? Although personally, I would have gone with a longer sticker and gotten the "Self" in there too. But that's just me art directing.
The Righteous of Bakersfield seem to practice a curious form of Born Again Christianity, an abridged, Cliff notes version. Imagine, if you will, that the Bible has a Spa Menu. Here there are only really 7 commandments, 8 if you count the one about killing, but really, that's more a suggestion than a hard and fast rule. Gone is all that nonsense about adultery and coveting of wives, left on the cutting room floor, trimmed for time.
Because if there's one thing I've observed about the Righteous of Bakersfield in my seven months here, its that they're horny as hell.
In all my dealings with the locals, you can't help but notice almost everyone is divorced or in the process of getting there. The Cougar population is unchecked and they seem to be constantly on the prowl. A woman I work for hasn't even bothered to wait to finalize her divorce before picking up a strapping boytoy. She says he's a "horseman", and I hope to God that means he works with horses and she isn't alluding to something else. Most days she disappears for a nooner while the kids are in school. I design the publications for her church.
The plastic surgery business here is booming, with dueling surgeons advertising weekly specials. For the ladies there are Mommy Makeovers and more, a little tune up to make sure that engine is purring like a kitten. And don't forget about the menfolk! Just this week they started advertising specials on Male Breast Reductions.
But what about the children?
One woman I work for is an anomaly, happily married. She's one of the most pious people I've met, and after months she finally warmed up to me, despite my Sodomite tendencies. I stopped by the office one Monday morning and she was positively beaming. "What's up?" I asked, and she explained how her 18 year old daughter had gotten engaged over the weekend. "Congratulations!" I said, to which she replied..
"Well she kinda had to... she's knocked up."
Seeing the momentary shock on my face, she quickly added...
"It happens a lot around here."
And then there's this: On the news the other night they had a special report about the appalling rise in sexually transmitted diseases in the county...
among the Seniors!
They aren't talking High School seniors, they mean Grandma has crabs.
My takeaway from all this is that, if you're straight, pretty much anything goes. Judging by the people I've met, I'd guess it's all pretty vanilla. But for all I know, there could be a steamy underside to Bako, a world of B&D and S&M and hidden dungeons where Mistress Ellie Mae finds creative uses for all that farm equipment. Or who knows, maybe even Furries. I mean, once you start talking Horsemen it's a slippery slope.
