Behind Enemy Lines

Kern County is considered the most corrupt county in California. It also has one of the highest percentages of registered Republicans. Go figure. This is the home of Real Americans, and you know this because almost every house flies the American flag. All the time. Some of them have been hanging so long they've become almost bleached white by the sun. From a distance, they almost look like the white flag of surrender, which is definitely NOT the look they're going for. But for many, the flag simply is not enough. Some houses fly two flags, or have taken the liberty (the God-Given American Liberty) to erect their own flagpole, so that their flag flies higher than the rest. Others have painted their mailboxes like Old Glory. Or littered their front yards with every patriotic tchotchke Home Depot stocks. These must be Better Americans.

As much as they love their country, they hate the French. I've seen any number of "Boycott France" bumper stickers, which I find amusing since for most of them the closest they'll ever get to anything French is the toast at IHOP. Then again, I doubt they eat there because it is, after all, the International House of Pancakes and probably secretly part of the UN, the pancake batter being delivered by black helicopters in the dead of the night.

And they despise Obama. Fascist Socialist Obama. Socialist Fascist Obama. They clearly have no concept of what either word means, but then Republicans have never let aggressive stupidity stand in the way of, well, anything.

Bakersfield is ranked the 6th most conservative city in the country. Not the state, the entire country. It beats out most of the Bible Belt! Which actually isn't all that surprising - driving around Bako you're as likely to see license plates from Texas, Oklahoma or Tennessee as from California. I guess having fucked up their own states, they've now decided to try and colonize this one. They love their Jesus, and they love their Bible, just not the part where Jesus actually appears - they rock their God Old Testament style, the more wrath and vengeance the better.

This is the type of place where people drive around with ginormous 12 foot wooden crucifixes resting in the bed of their trucks, propped up on the cab, and no one bats an eye. I saw that last week. The truck was plastered with Born Again stickers, the most prominent one saying "Body Piercing Saved My Life" next to a graphic image of a giant nail being driven through the palm of a hand. Well, that has to make driving difficult. Oh - it was Jesus, not the driver.

It's also the type of place where you see pre-teen girls standing on street corners at rush hour holding up signs saying "Abortion Kills Children". Not an adult in sight. I don't know which is the more frightening thought - that a 12 year old girl was out there with that sign on her on volition. Or that perhaps she wouldn't get dinner if she didn't do it. Either possibility sent a chill down my spine.

And finally, this is the type of place where all the men cruising for gay sex online are married.

All the churches I've seen so far have been of the evangelical variety. Most look like strip malls and don't refer to themselves as churches... they are "Worship Centers". Like WalMart Super Centers. I guess you can get your oil changed and and eye exam too. I was raised Christian, but I've lapsed, in no small part because of people like this. The Christianity I knew and loved died on the vine sometime during the Reagan Administration., and in it's place sprouted this pinched and toxic variation. I'll pass, thanks.

So this is how it is here. For someone like me, this is the Ninth Ring of Hell.