One of the reasons I love April Fool's Day is it allows me one day where I can actually write something nice about this place. Even if I have to make it up.
Obviously, everything I wrote yesterday isn't true. But it got me to thinking... what exactly could put Bako on the map? And in a good way, not the countless "worst" lists it always tops. I've thought through many scenarios, and I think I may have just the idea.
First, there are a lot of things that are just off the table. It's pointless to try and sell the natural wonders and beauty since there simply aren't any. Unlike Fresno, which gets a lot of mileage as the "Gateway to Yosemite", we aren't even adjacent to anything pretty. You want natural beauty, you're going to have to drive a couple of hours. So scratch that.
Actually, scratch any type of tourism. I know there was a time when Bakersfield fancied itself the "Nashville of the West", famous for what was dubbed 'The Bakersfield Sound". Now, when I think "Bakersfield Sound", I think big rig airhorns and gunfire, but evidently there was a time when it was a well known form of country music, made popular by native son Buck Owens. Mr. Owens even built a shrine to it, the Crystal Palace, which was supposed to be the Grand Old Opry of the west coast. But Mr. Owens died, and with him went the dream. Now the Crystal Palace is known for it's all-you-can-eat Sunday brunch and even the long-in-the-tooth, retreaded 70's acts bypass Bako for the Indian casinos 100 miles north of town. You just missed Engelbert Humperdink a couple of weeks ago. If you hurry, you can still get tickets to Air Supply.
I suppose you could try and go the "higher learning" route. It's worked in places like Redlands, which is similarly in the middle of nowhere and mostly agricultural and yet boasts a world class university. Of course, they've been working at it for 100 years and have the Ivy League architecture to back it up. That's a lot harder to pull off with the type of strip mall architecture popular here, even if anyone was so inclined. And their not. Book learnin' isn't really big here, and Kern County is rated the least educated county in the state. So all in all, it's probably not the way to go.
The best shot at achieving any type of notoriety, the good kind, is probably going to depend on business. They've done it before, after all. This place was built on the oil industry and that's what it originally made it's name on. Who's to say it couldn't happen again? I know the oil industry is pushing big into renewable energy. They aren't stupid, they know the oils fields here are tapped out and they have a lot of toxic land to try and repurpose. But surprisingly, the oil companies are getting some pushback from the locals, who view wind power and solar as some sort of Socialist plot. If the locals aren't onboard, I don't know what the chances of success are. Probably nil. And besides, even if it worked, it'll be decades before it would really turn this place around, and quite honestly, Bako needs some help NOW.
So what to do?
That's where my brilliant idea comes in. In situations such as this, there's really only one answer...
What Bakersfield needs is... a "gimmick!"
Think about it. Santa Cruz has "The Mystery Spot". San Jose has the "Winchester Mystery House". Roswell has their aliens. Why can't Bako cash in on something similar? Lord knows there's a lot of military weirdness lurking around the edges of town, so why not capitalize on it? And I think the obvious answer is...
CROP CIRCLES!
It's a no brainer! They have the land, they have the crops, there's really no infrastructure needed. It could be up and running in months, not years. Of course we'd have to bring in outsiders to fabricate them. If you leave it to the locals you'll end up with a corn maze and then they'll all get lost inside it. But still, it's absolutely doable at minimal cost.
I should forward this to the City Council. I think they'll be very receptive.
