My sister and I used to be quite close. We aren't now.
If I had to blame one thing for the fall out it would have to be George W. Bush.
That my sister and her husband were Republican wasn't an issue. It's a free country and they were never obstinate about it. In fact they seemed pretty moderate. But with the election of Bush and the ensuing 8 years, they made a hard right turn that left the rest of us mortified. They became disciples of Fox News, believers of every Glenn Beck conspiracy theory, rabid dittoheads for Rush Limbaugh. The election of Obama sent them over the edge and even a discussion of the weather, the seemingly only still safe dinner topic, could get twisted in a diatribe about 'SOCIALISM!".
And then last year, a thaw in the relationship.
What caused this blossoming rapprochement?
A small dark berry, grown in the Amazon, high in antioxidants, or so they say. The miraculous... ACAI.
In the form of... MonaVie, the nectar of the Gods.
I can't say I'm surprised my sister and her husband have been duped into this cult. They've been conditioned to believe Obama is massing black helicopters to round up Republicans and herd them into concentration camps in the desert because of their belief in gun rights and incandescent bulbs. A multilevel marketing pyramid scheme selling berry flavored snake oil isn't such a stretch.
It started last Easter when my sister sidled up to me while I was sneaking a smoke in the back yard of my parents. She wanted to talk and acted like we were friends. That was my first clue that something was up. And truth be told, selling isn't her forté and she lacks for subtlety, so when the pitch came, it came hard and fast.
She didn't even bother pimping the product. She was blunt in the fact that they needed to sign up more people. They'd already hooked 9 suckers and with a 10th they reached some magic level that allowed them to start cashing in. She wanted me to be the 10th. Because we're family.
I batted it aside and tried to be polite. Not interested I said. We just moved, new jobs, yadda, yadda, yadda. And over the past year, at every single family event, she's tried again and again, and every single time I nicely and diplomatically told her we aren't interested.
But about a week ago, the pressure started to be ramped up. It started with calls to my cell phone - it's the only number she has for me. She's never bother to ask for our address or home phone, and she certainly isn't going to get it now. She wanted to know the next time we would be down so that she could plan a proper "presentation". I told her I wasn't interested. Undeterred, she called a few days later to tell me she was emailing me "important information". I told her I wasn't interested, but 20 minutes later this showed up in my inbox. Along with half a dozen links to frighteningly cult-like websites which I won't provide since I'd hate for anyone to fall under their spell.
Over the next couple of days, she'd call to check on my "progress", to see if I had been converted. I let them all go to voicemail because I was busy with work and didn't have time for this stupidity. But I figured at some point this weekend I'd have to deal with it and it wasn't going to be pretty.
And then last night I was speaking with my mother, and at some point I mentioned I'd have to talk my sister this weekend.
"About what?" my mother asked.
I didn't want to say. My sister had asked repeatedly that I not mention anything about it to my parents, which to me would mean that she's well aware there isn't anything kosher about it. But to be honest, I just don't care anymore so I said "She's involved with some multi-level marketing scheme and she's trying to rope us in".
There was silence on the other end of the phone.
"You mean MonaVie?" asked my mother.
WTF?
I asked my mother how she knew about it and she said that my sister and brother-in-law came over last weekend and forced them to sit through the whole indoctrination process.
"You didn't agree to sell it?!?" I asked.
"No, no, no. We're too old for that. But we did buy two bottles. It's not that bad".
I was speechless. Preying on me is one thing since we don't much like each other. But going after our parents? That is just a bridge too far. I told my mom I was calling my sister and going to read her the riot act.
"But you can't dear, they aren't home this weekend."
I asked where they were.
OHIO!
FOR A MONAVIE CONVENTION!
Learning the latest mind control tricks, no doubt.
I can hardly wait to see what we're going to be hit with next.
Time to fasten the seatbelts - it's going to be a berry bumpy flight.
