It occurs to me that anyone who reads this blog is probably not a resident of the Greater Bakersfield Metroplex. If they were, there would be death threats.
The locals are touchy that way.
Perhaps some people have had the misfortune to pass through or, god forbid, stay a spell, but more likely than not the memory has been blocked out as a coping mechanism.
So that means that anyone reading this blog is probably experiencing a vicarious Bako existence based only on the posts, without any guides or a map or wayfinding mechanism to make sense of where in the hell you are and what it all means.
So I'm here to remedy that, based on my limited knowledge having lived here two years . Using the map found on the local news.
First off, the city is almost perfectly bisected by Highway 99, running north to south. South leads back to civilization, north to that beacon of Valley sophistication, Fresno.
But for the city at large, let's go back to the map. Starting in the middle, in the area labeled...
CENTRAL
This is where you find the sun dried bones and crumbling facades of what was once known as "downtown". It's a No Man's Land. What passes for "local government" is still based here, but unless you have to deal with those charlatans, there's no reason to go here. Other than to buy porn.
Moving somewhat clockwise, we come to...
EAST
Otherwise known as "the bad part of town". That seems a little limited, based on my experience. It's primarily low income and minority and where you'll find most of the police shootings and meth labs, although not all. The worse of the worst if Bakersfield's ghetto, Cottonwood. Makes Compton look like Club Med.
MOUNTAIN
Seems self evident, although it only refers to the southern Sierras. There are vibrant mountain communities south of town in the Tehachapis and San Emigdio mountains, but they're so ignored by the powers that be that they might as well be in Nepal. The mountains do serve a purpose as a natural barrier to contain Bako and prevent it's special brand of lifestyle from escaping south and west. Basically this only covers the limited area around Lake Isabella and the shoddy dam that will one day flood the city.
Then there is a vast grey wedge with no designation. This is the Mojave Desert and of no concern to anyone here. Which is why it doesn't even get a label.
SOUTH COUNTY
A wasteland of farms and oil fields. Where the dead bodies turn up, either buried in shallow graves or floating in irrigation canals.
SOUTHWEST
This appears to be Bakersfield's first major residential expansion/land grab. As you head west from the 99, you can see the architecture transition from the 60's, to the 70's, to the 80's. Nice suburban homes on large lots, where we live. At the far west is Bako's answer to Beverly Hills, "Seven Oaks", a Nouveau Riche gated community of pretend mansions. To service it is the "upscale" shopping area known as "The Marketplace". It's as upscale as you can get and still have an Applebee's. Also home to Cal State Bakersfield, a junior college.
NORTH OF THE RIVER
The "river" is what remains of the Kern River and is normally a trash filled dry gulch, but lately, with last year's record rains, it actually has water in it. Not for long, but is has it for now. This area is a hive-like cluster of gated neighborhoods filled with mini-McMansions. Builders obviously hoped that you'd focus on the corbels and columns and crown moldings and not notice that your roof touches your neighbor's, you can't fit a ping pong table in the "backyard" and good luck with anything bigger than a twin bed. And people obviously did, since it's "the" area to live in. Bonus annoying points for the locals referring to it as "NOR", trying desperately to be "The OC". The people who live here are insufferable, even more so than the snobs of Seven Oaks.
And finally...
NORTH COUNTY
This is Tatooine. You have to pass through here to get to San Francisco.
Granted, this is only a broad brush picture of the town. There's a much more nuanced portrait to be painted, but I'll leave that to someone who cares.
