W2

Yosemite Sam is coming to town!

Rick Perry, rootin', tootin' Texas Guv'na is running for Preznit and will be swinging through Bako next week to fleece the rubes. As I recall, we once had a Texas Governor as President and it didn't work out so well, but those who forget their mistakes are condemned to repeat them and this country is certainly dumb enough to do it again.

I'm sure his schtick will go down well with the local gun totin' Bible thumpers.

The tickets to see him start at $1500, which seems a bit steep.

Especially since you can watch cartoons for free on the TeeVee.

Freedom Isn’t Free (But It’s Half Off, at WalMart)

I was out walking the dogs this morning, early, before the day became molten. I usually let them choose their own way; it's their time, after all. And for the first time in ages they chose to revisit our old stomping grounds, around the corner. By Mary.

Mary is in quite the festive mood. In addition to the prerequisite house flag, she's festooned the entire front of her condo with dozens of smaller flags. Yet, even from a distance, something seemed a bit... off. Once we got closer the problem became clear.

Her flags had too many stripes.

Stars too.

I didn't actually bother to count, but I'm guessing there were at least 20 stripes. That's what you get when you buy Chinese made flags. I don't blame the Chinese; It isn't their flag. Do you know how many stars are on a Chinese flag? Me neither. And this isn't the first time I've seen fucked up flags here.

I would think if you're going to put yourself out there as a "True Patriot™", you might want to at least bother to get that little detail correct. But people don't. They're either too cheap to buy a real flag, or too lazy to notice. It's Couch Potato Patriotism. Which, I suppose, isn't much of a surprise. On the news this morning they had results from a poll where 42% of the people they surveyed didn't know what year the Declaration of Independence was signed. Whatever.

It's already too hot to venture outside, but the AC is cranked and there's Twilight Zone marathon on. Seems somewhat fitting, living here.

So now it's just a matter of counting down the hours until we can celebrate the holiday the way God intended...

by blowing shit up.

Happy Fourth of July.

Long May She Wave

I saw Jim was out yesterday replacing his American flag.

With an even larger American flag.

"Go big or go home" Jim Said. So true.

It occurred to me that we are practically the only house on the block not flying an American flag 24/7. I hope we aren't breaking some law.

The only other house not flying Old Glory is the hoarders, but I'm betting they have one buried under all the boxes of empty milk cartons and rotting produce. A couple of houses opt to fly the flag of Kentucky instead, which I'm guessing is considered an acceptable alternative here. It beats the Confederate flag, which I suspect is what they'd be flying if they had their druthers.

But here's the thing... an awful lot of the flags have seen better days. Several are in tatters, the stripes separated and hanging like ribbons on a maypole. Even more have been bleached almost white by the sun. To me, that seems awful disrespectful, which I think is probably the last message these folks want to send.

So I think the least everyone could to for this great country is to make sure they're flying a bright, crisp, new flag. There's really no excuse not to. You can get Chinese-made ones dirt cheap down at WalMart.

High Treason

It's official... we're Bad Americans.

We were the only people on the block without a flag out for Veteran's Day.

Even Mary had a flag out, proving you can be a miserable fuck AND patriotic.

Veteran's Day is a HUGE deal here. Parades, ceremonies, breakfasts, luncheons and other commemorations. Most other holidays pass here with little notice...

"Martin Luther who?"

"Yom Ki-what?"

The weird thing is I don't recall this big a fuss last year. Then again, I don't recall much from the first few months here.

I would chalk it up to PTSD, but I think that would be an insult to all the vets who have bravely served.

So we'll just call it "BSD".

Red Dawn

Watching our new Republican scolds this morning all I could do was laugh. The crazy train has pulled into town and the next two years will be a circus. Asshat Darrell Issa is already listing all the investigations he plans to open into the Obama administration, starting with his secret ties to the "New Black Panther Party". It's going to be the Clinton years, on steroids.

At least sanity prevailed in the rest of California and Meg and Carly were sent packing, $200 million poorer. I say "the rest" of California because here in Kern County they both won in a landslide.

I swear if this place could secede and move to Oklahoma they would do it in a heartbeat.

Yes We Can’t

So... today is finally election day.

It's also the Day of the Dead.

Seems sadly fitting.

I can't wait to meet our new Zombie Republican Overlords.

Great Expectations

Yesterday was the huge "Bakersfield Business Conference: Triumph of the Will 2010". Judging by the news reports it was a bit of a let down. I think we can all agree it just wasn't patriotic enough.



The entire Wingnut Pantheon helicoptered in to to address the villagers with pitchforks and left just as quickly. No need to mingle with all the salt-of-the-earth riff raff. They stayed just long enough to dish out the red meat and get everyone riled up.



Oops. How did this get in here...


The disappointment stemmed from inflated expectations. Initially everyone assumed the headline event would be an appearance by the "Disasta From Alaska", Sarah Palin. But then it was announced that there would be "surprise special guests" to close out the festivities. All week long the town was abuzz with speculation as to who it would be. My money was on Satan, but the consensus opinion was that it might just be George W. Bush, emerging from his secure and undisclosed location for the first time since the '08 election.



As the Snowbilly-in-Chief finished her remarks, the room was electric with anticipation as to who the surprise guests would be. So you can imagine the collective disappointment when it was announced the closing guests were a trio of "heroes", including Captain "Sully" Sullenberger. No offense to the men, but after all the build up it was a bit of a letdown for people who had paid up to $500 to attend the days events.

Not only that, but the food sucked.

"For $500 I expected more" said one of the participants.

"I've had better at Hodel's..."

The End Is Nigh

Next Saturday, to be exact.

I first wrote about this back in January. At the time I just assumed we'd be long gone by now, but here we are, so it looks like it's time to batten down the hatches and board up the windows.

For one day, and one day only, Bakersfield is going to be the white hot center of the Wingnut Universe. I mean, just look at this lineup...

Dick Cheney
"Dr." Lynn Cheney
Karl Rove
Newt Gingrich
Rudy Giuliani
Mitt Romney
Bay Buchanan
Cal Thomas
Laura W. Bush
Michael Steele

Talk about a Disharmonic Convergence.

It's a once in a lifetime opportunity since the only other place you could see all these characters assembled would be a War Crimes Tribunal, and that's not gonna happen.

And headlining the event, The Abominable Snowgrifter herself, former Half-Term Governor of Alaska, Mama Grizzly-In-Chief, Sarah Palin. No wonder the tickets are $200; that woman won't step out of the car for less than $100K. No one ever went broke fleecing the right wing rubes. Why would anyone pay $200 to watch a bunch of boilerplate stump speeches you could watch on YouTube for free?

Whatever.

And just to prove they aren't out of touch, they're opening with America's "edgiest" comic, straight from the Nixon Administration, Rich Little.

I hope he does his Hubert Humphrey impression. That always brings the house down.

Looking over the schedule it appears to be incomplete. Nowhere on it do I see the part where the earth splits open and Satan claws his way out of the depths of Hell to address his assembled minions.

I'm guessing it comes after Rove, but before Palin.

You always want to finish "big".

Unclear On The Concept

Yesterday I found myself stuck in traffic. (Yes, we have traffic here. It's what happens when "master planning" is considered some sort of Liberal conspiracy and you build dozens of far flung subdivisions and can't be bothered to improve the two lane country lanes that connect them.) I found myself stuck behind a "Super Patriot", a common species here although this was one of the more extreme examples I've seen.

The car was plastered with so many wingnut bumper stickers I couldn't even make out the color of the car. Countless American flags and eagles and all the slogans you come to expect here...

ONE NATION UNDER GOD

THESE COLORS DON'T RUN

FREEDOM ISN'T FREE

DON'T TREAD ON ME

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

But the one that amused me the most was the large one slapped on the center of the trunk...

BUY AMERICAN!

It was right above the Toyota emblem.

Home of The Brave

People here are up in arms over a recently released poll in Men's Health magazine ranking the top 100 patriotic cities.

Bakersfield came in a dismal 84th, just a few clicks above pinko, communist New York City.

There's no way that's even remotely correct. You should have seen this place on the Fourth! I can still smell the patriotism two days later. There are more flags than you can count in this neighborhood.

What's that?

They factored in volunteerism?

And spending on Vets?

And voter turnout?

Oh, well, sure, if you're going to include THOSE things...

Socialists.

At least we beat out Fresno.

Where Every Day Is The Fourth Of July

One thing you never have to worry about in Bako - waking up one morning not knowing what country you live in.










That's just on our morning walk around the block, and it's only a small sample. There are a lot more. A LOT. But I was afraid of someone going all Second Amendment on my ass for taking pictures.

The ironic thing is they announced last week they were canceling the annual Fourth of July Fireworks Extravaganza, held at the college stadium. It seems that, contrary to all the bumper stickers I see around town, Freedom is in fact Free-last year almost no one actually paid to attend, choosing instead to view the aerial display from a safe, cheap distance. And none of the Uber Patriots of Bakersfield have stepped up to defray the costs. So it's been cancelled... maybe.

I think it's a ploy, an attempt to extort someone to bail it out. After all, a Fourth of July in Bako without fireworks would be like a day without roaches... never gonna happen. My guess is someone with business before the city will figure out a quid pro quo - pay for the show in exchange for permission to drill, dump or spray something. That's the way things work here... the American Way.