The “F” Word

"Figs"

This is our backyard. Those are figs.

I can't keep up. It's like the bombing of Dresden, they just keep coming. It's relentless.

I rake them up, I even had one of my clients come over and pick the hell out the tree, and yet they come...

The Parable of the Fig Tree

Dogs. Figs. Not a good combination.

Our massive fig tree in the backyard started dropping fruit about a week ago. I have to admit I was concerned about the dogs, but they didn't seem to show any interest in them. And why would they? They've never shown any interest in anything healthy before. I really should have picked them up, but there were so many of them and the squirrels seemed to be doing an OK job of it on their own.

But all that changed this morning.

I'd let the dogs in the back yard a couple of times this morning and didn't think anything of it, but as I sat down to write a different post, all of a sudden my older dog started acting frantic and jumping at the back door. I assumed he's seen a cat or something and let him out.

He proceeded to run to the grass and start eating it maniacally, something they do when their stomaches are upset. But I had never seen anything like this; he was acting possessed. I tried to approach him but he started to growl at me. Now I was starting to panic because I hadn't a clue what was wrong.

And then he started to make that awful dog-wretching sound, the one that starts with the dry heaves and usually ends up with me on the floor with a bucket and carpet shampoo. Luckily, we were outside this time. And sure enough, soon up came all the grass he'd just eaten and two (TWO!) fully intact figs!

He didn't even chew them. How he got them down in the first place I'll never know.

He seems OK now, but I'm keeping an eye on him. It appears I'll be spared a trip to the vet. I did a little checking online and was relieved to discover it isn't uncommon for dogs to eat them and they aren't poisonous. It did also say that fermented figs on the ground act as an intoxicant on dogs. Makes 'em drunk.

After the last couple of days I may have to give that a try later today.

A Plum Shame

"I tried to stop them, but it was too late..."

It was Jim. In his front yard. With a cocktail. As usual.

I was expecting a check so I had gone out to the mailbox, but it was 106 and the mailbox was too hot to touch. Maybe the reason there are so many house fires here isn't meth labs after all. Maybe it's just the mail spontaneously bursting into flames.

But back to Jim... what was he babbling about?

He pointed to our plum tree, the only fruit tree that's in the front yard and not protected by the fence.

It had been stripped bare.

"Bunch of neighborhood kids, from down the street. They were there with trash bags stealing all your fruit. I shooed them away but it was too late. Looks like they got just about everything. I told them they were stealing, but they didn't care. Fuckin' kids."

Fuckin' kids is right.

I was so bummed. I was planning on going out to pick plums once the sun went down, but now there was nothing to pick.

Well, kids... payback's a bitch. I'll get them at Halloween. Not with anything traceable, of course.

Actually, I don't blame the kids.

Can you imagine a world where middle school kids, home for summer break, sitting in the air conditioned game room playing Grand Theft Auto, would suddenly decide it would be really fun to slouch down the street in Death Valley heat to steal some fruit? Yeah, neither can I.

I blame the parents. Bunch of white trash Fagins...

"Go steal some fruit or no Helper for you!"

I suppose I should be grateful it was only fruit they stole, although for all I know they're casing the house too. I guess I'll have to rethink our security arrangement. I thought Jim, forever drunk out in the front yard, would act as a deterrent. It looks like that plan is no longer operational.

Random Good Things About Bakersfield #17

Fruit!

I'm not talking about the crop dusted orchards outside of town, or the questionable produce in the market that's been shipped in nitrogen from Chile. I'm talking our own fruit!

When we first looked at the house back in September, it had sat empty for over a year. The front yard was so overgrown and unkept that you couldn't even see the house from the street. The backyard wasn't much better. Shortly after we moved in, we hired a crew to at least clear out the worst of it and it was only then that we discovered we hadn't just bought a house, but we had our own little mini orchard!

We have an orange, a tangerine, an apple, a plum and two fig trees! Plus one mystery tree; it's growing some fruit I've never seen before and no one we've asked has a clue what it is. It may be a kumquat tree, or some alien tree known only to Bako. If you lived here you'd know that isn't such a stretch of the imagination.

Right now the plum tree is so heavy with fruit that the branches are bowed to the ground. We finally went out and picked a bunch and I have to say they are the sweetest and most delicious plums I've ever tasted. Probably because it's about as organic as you can get here. It wasn't so much as fertilized during it's years of neglect. The oranges are wonderful too. The tangerines aren't quite there yet, and we'll have to wait for the fall for the apples.

And then there are the fig trees, one of which is simply massive. We didn't even know what it was until a week ago; we're city boys and not much for figs, so we were completely ignorant. You would have thought I would have a clue - all those years of art history classes and centuries of artists covering up everyone's naughty bits with fig leaves... now it makes sense. The fig leaves are humongous! You could totally hide John Holmes, with room to spare, with these leaves.

So there you have it. We're about as close to a Whole Foods as you'll find for a hundred miles.