Touchy, Touchy, Touchy

"I'm not like a lot of people, I don't hate Bakersfield. I don't know why everyone rags on it so much. It's actually a great place to live. I thought about maybe moving somewhere else a couple of times but why should I? I have everything I need here. It's not fair that everyone is so down on Bakersfield all the time..."

I was at Supercuts and my "stylist" was getting a little worked up. Agitated. Angry even. The fact she was trimming my eyebrows at the time left me holding my breath. For a second I thought I might lose an eye for somehow besmirching Bako's honor. And I hadn't even said anything other than "so are you from Bakersfield?"

I've discovered from previous visits that if you engage in a little small talk you get a better cut. I've also learned never to mention I'm relatively new to town. It inevitably leads to "so how do you like it here?" and I'm not a very good liar.

I'd made it pretty much through the cut unscathed when she started talking about the fact she and her husband had just purchased their first home. That's when I asked the dreaded "so are you from Bakersfield?" Her mood turned instantly dark and the storm clouds moved in. At first she was defensive, then indignant, then angry.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

My God these people are touchy and thin skinned. They get so quickly riled up at any perceived slight to Bako it leaves me suspiciously believing whatever it is must be true. Us outsiders, always walking on eggshells.

To her credit, she quickly calmed down. She admitted she's really more a small town girl and proceeded to tick off all the things she hated about the big cities she'd visited - LA, San Francisco... Fresno.

"I'm really more of a rural person..."

Funny, I didn't really get that from the cropped, spiked black hair, the combat boots, the nose ring or the tattoos. To me that didn't say "I'm a Little Bit Country..." Then again, I've never been much good at reading people.

She said the house they bought was on the "outskirts of town", which in reality could be anywhere. This town is nothing but outskirts. Even downtown looks like it belongs on the fringes of a better city.

Mercifully our time together came to a close. I hate to admit it, but Lil' Miss Ticking Time Bomb gave me one of the better cuts I've gotten since I've been here. All the same, I doubt I'll seek her out again. As much as I appreciate a little style, I'm not willing to die for it.

Arts And Crap

There are two things never in short supply in Bakersfield - anger and disappointment. Today's case in point: art supplies.

In our diminished financial straits I wasn't going to be able to give the boyfriend the type of birthday celebration he deserved. But one thing I could do is create a piece of art. Something personal that showed my deep and abiding love for him.

All I needed was some basic art supplies.

But this is Bako, so as with everything else the answer is "no can do".

I googled "Art Supplies Bakersfield" and all it returned were page after page of scrapbooking stores. And an aquarium shop.

There's no way that could be right, so I just asked my boss where to go.

"For scrapbooking?" she asked.

What the hell is with these people and scrapbooking?

It would appear the only option I have is Aaron Brothers, a framing store with an "art supply" section no bigger than a walk-in closet. Instead of a lovely piece of art I could be proud of, it appears the boyfriend will be getting something made out of pipecleaners.

It's the thought that counts, right?

What Dreams May Come

We were supposed to be in Paris this week.

Or Venice.

We never had the chance to choose. The boyfriend turns 40 this week, and back on his 35th I promised him a grand excursion to mark this milestone. I love him and back then it was within our means.

And then the bottom dropped out of our lives and it became just another dream deferred.

I feel completely awful about it, that I can't give him the celebration he deserves. He's putting on a brave face, he knows the score. But I know deep down he's more than a little crushed.

But all is not lost. With the help of some very dear and generous friends, we're still planning an event for this weekend. What it lacks in spectacle it will more than make up for with love from everyone. I hope.

And thankfully, it won't be here.

The only thing worse than turning 40 is turning 40 in Bakersfield.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Day 3 of the IT hostage drama.

At least we have power today. Sometimes you get hints that the locals are well aware of how ass backwards Bako is and are none to eager to let the world in on their dirty little Third World secret. Case in point: the power failure. Power was out to about half of the city for over eight hours. Television and radio stations went off the air. But other than a brief "we're getting some reports of possible power outages downtown..." on the afternoon news Friday, the entire event appears to have disappeared down the memory hole. It was never mentioned again, we never heard about the cause and the story doesn't show up on any of the local media websites. I guess it never happened.

But back to the IT nightmare. I have internet access, obviously, but that's it. Other than that, this computer is nothing more than a really big digital clock. No one here seems to have a clue how to connect me to the company servers, and without that I have no access to jobs, to assets, to email. The response I get is "well it was working a couple of weeks ago...".

Thanks, that's helpful.

They keep looking at me like I can wave a wand and connect everything with nothing more than magical thinking.

They say there's outside help coming in to fix it all, but with the alleged power outage they say it could be days.

And then there's "Dottie". I have no idea what her real name is - no one here has bothered to introduce themselves since I started. I made an effort to take the first step, but every "Hi, I'm Eric.." is met with a blank stare or a "OK, great."

"Dottie" - she looks like a "Dottie" - is evidently their traffic manager. Or a crazy woman who wandered in off the street. That jury is still out.

"Hi Hon, I just put a new job on the server for you".

Thanks, but I'm not connected to the server and can't access it.

"OK, great!"

"I just emailed you a new job..."

Until I get connected to the server I have no email.

"OK, great!"

"You never responded to my email."

I don't have email and wont until they connect me to the company servers.

"OK, great!"

"Have you made those changes yet? The client is waiting."

I can't access any jobs and probably won't be able to for a day or more.

"OK, great!"


You get the idea. Rinse and repeat.

I will say there is something kind of liberating about this job. For the first time in my career I just don't give a damn. Usually when I start a new job I try to be pretty circumspect. I don't share anything about my personal life. I don't go out for a smoke break, at least until I discover the other smokers. I don't email or surf the web until I know just how nosy and paranoid the company is.

But here? Fuck it.

I've been chain smoking in front of the building since I have little else to do. I surf the web, and now I'm blogging.

What are they going to do, fire me?

A girl can dream...

"Pat, I'd Like To Buy An Whadayacallit..."

The announced on the news yesterday that Wheel-Of-Fortune is coming to Bakersfield!

Oh Lord why? Haven't these people suffered enough? Coming just days after being rated the least educated city in the country I can't see how this is going to end well. Maybe if they just stick to words and phrases from Dr. Seuss.

I couldn't figure out why on earth the would come here, of all places, and then I remembered Pat Sajak is a rabid Right-Winger.

These are his people.

All the same, I think he may come to regret this.

Work Or Something Like It

"You're probably going to want to get a fan in here, it gets real hot..."

Those were the first words spoken to me when I walked into my new "office".

When someone from Bako, where people don't bat an eye when the temperature hits 106, tell you it's going to be hot, it's time to panic. As I mentioned before, my "office" is really the server closet. A windowless space with banks of servers against the back wall, each with a little fan blowing out hot air.

There was a desk that looked like it was picked up off the side of a road. And an ancient, ratty office chair. Four of the five wheels didn't work. The fifth wheel was missing.

Luckily for me, the first day ended up being brief.

I did have a fairly new Mac, so I sat down and tried to adjust and get the lay of the land with their computer set-up. I quickly discovered the computer wasn't connected to the server. I did what I could to connect to no avail. I contacted their IT person who gave me a bunch of codes to enter.

Still nothing.

I called him back to tell them it wasn't working and he came harumphing down the hall, already pissed at the new guy. He kicked me out of the decrepit chair and proceeded to enter the same numbers himself.

Nothing.

Again.

Nothing.

And again... for the next 30 minutes he kept entering the exact same numbers and getting the exact same result, nothing. Over and over again. It was like watching a caveman try and make fire with two rocks... one of these times it was bound to work. Here we were sitting two feet from the servers, where all the work and email access rested, with no way to get to it.

And I thought irony was dead here.

After half an hour he finally threw in the towel and called their outside tech service. And this being Bakersfield, they said they'd try in get to it in a day or two. I offered to work from home and asked the IT guy to burn some jobs onto a portable drive for me. He grudgingly agreed and disappeared. After half an hour I went to his office to see what the holdup was and as I walked in he exclaimed "I just figured it out... I'll have it for you in a minute..."

Again, this was their IT guy.

So that was Day One - I was home by noon. Banged out their stupid little job in about an hour and then watched TV all afternoon.

Day Two was today. The computer still wasn't connected. I went to check with the IT guy to see what the ETA might be.

He's in Vegas today.

I called the outside tech company to check on our service call. They have no record of it. It's going to be a day or two they said.

What to do?

As luck would have it, I didn't have to make that decision... the power went out.

To half of Bakersfield.

My boss was out, so I sat in my little pitch black office waiting for the power to come back on. After 30 minutes I called her. "Just wait it out..." she said. The air conditioning was out so the office was getting steamy. After an hour someone finally thought to call the power company and they informed us we most likely wouldn't get power back for several hours.

I'd called home and discovered we still had power, a fact I decided not to share with my boss. I didn't offer to work from home. I'm going to be watching TV all afternoon.

Again.

I believe it all to the work of a Higher Power. A sign I'm not meant for this job. If I come in Monday morning and it starts raining frogs I'm outta there.

The New Job

Words simply fail me.

Actually, that's not true. I can think of four:

JUST
FUCKING
SHOOT
ME

I need some time to compose my thoughts.