So I'm seriously contemplating committing digital suicide - deleting my Facebook account. I never really understood the attraction of it, but since simply everyone was on it, and I was told it was a great way of generating work, I signed up. Well, the work part never really panned out, so what's the point?
It says I have 182 friends. Or rather "friends". I don't know half of them. Never met 'em. People would "friend" me and maybe I recognized the name from the agency biz, or I knew they were a friend of a friend, or I hadn't the slightest idea who they were, but they knew me, so what the hell, I hit "accept". But the fact of the matter is I couldn't pick most of these people out of a police line-up. It was fun for about a month, but then it just got tedious. Besides, I think almost all of them have "hidden" me. I don't take it personally because I've hidden almost all of my "friends" too, especially the people from High School. We weren't friends then, so why the hell would we be friends now? I stopped posting anything months ago because I never would get any response, not even a "like". When the cute photos of my dogs didn't even get a "thumbs up", I was pretty sure I'd been disappeared by everyone. Probably because I refused to join their "Mafia". Whatever. No great loss. I'm not going to miss "Lil Blue Cove" or the poking - if anyone poked me in real life they'd get slapped upside the head. And I'm pretty sure I'll survive without knowing my Leprechaun or Klingon name.
But the real reason I may pull the plug is it's just too depressing reading about home. Makes me feel like a ghost, looking down on the living.
Plus it's only a matter of time before someone from Bako "friends" me, and then my whole charade will collapse like a house of cards.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Lord of the Flies
So it's been with a sense of dread and sick anticipation that we awaited the next plague. We'd already been invaded by cockroaches and blasted by killer dust storms. And that was only in the first month. Surely there was going to be more, it was just a matter of time. I'd put my money on locusts. I was wrong.
It's FLIES.
In all fairness to Bako, this is not a naturally occurring phenomenon, it's entirely man-made.
And that man's name is Juan.
Our duplex comes with a stamp-sized front and back yard, and the rental deal includes a once a week gardener. That would be Juan. Clearly, he isn't very good. Both lawns are dead. All the shrubs too. The rest of the neighbors have lawns that look like lush, submerged rice paddies. Ours looks like a recently plowed alfalfa field. The shrubs, whatever they may have once been, are now nothing more than rooted balls of kindling. And yet he comes, dutifully each Thursday, to rake the dirt. God bless him.
While the shrubs are beyond hope, we were pretty sure the lawns could be salvaged, if only they were re-seeded. We proposed this to Juan, and he seemed genuinely excited. So imagine our surprise when we came home a few days later to a freshly seeded front lawn... covered with an inch and a half of manure. Real, honest to cow, manure.
The smell hit you first, and it hit you hard. But you were quickly distracted from that by the flies. Thousands and thousands of flies. They enveloped the house, and hid by the doors, just waiting for a chance to make it inside. Which they did. In droves.
It's been almost two weeks now, and the smell is long gone. The flies are not. In fact, I believe they've now taken up permanent residency, along with the cockroaches. They've taken a particular liking to my car, which they blanket as if it were a giant rotting melon. The boyfriend takes sadistic pleasure in killing as many as he can. The dogs eat them. I've just thrown in the towel and await what's next.
My money is still on the locusts.
It's FLIES.
In all fairness to Bako, this is not a naturally occurring phenomenon, it's entirely man-made.
And that man's name is Juan.
Our duplex comes with a stamp-sized front and back yard, and the rental deal includes a once a week gardener. That would be Juan. Clearly, he isn't very good. Both lawns are dead. All the shrubs too. The rest of the neighbors have lawns that look like lush, submerged rice paddies. Ours looks like a recently plowed alfalfa field. The shrubs, whatever they may have once been, are now nothing more than rooted balls of kindling. And yet he comes, dutifully each Thursday, to rake the dirt. God bless him.
While the shrubs are beyond hope, we were pretty sure the lawns could be salvaged, if only they were re-seeded. We proposed this to Juan, and he seemed genuinely excited. So imagine our surprise when we came home a few days later to a freshly seeded front lawn... covered with an inch and a half of manure. Real, honest to cow, manure.
The smell hit you first, and it hit you hard. But you were quickly distracted from that by the flies. Thousands and thousands of flies. They enveloped the house, and hid by the doors, just waiting for a chance to make it inside. Which they did. In droves.
It's been almost two weeks now, and the smell is long gone. The flies are not. In fact, I believe they've now taken up permanent residency, along with the cockroaches. They've taken a particular liking to my car, which they blanket as if it were a giant rotting melon. The boyfriend takes sadistic pleasure in killing as many as he can. The dogs eat them. I've just thrown in the towel and await what's next.
My money is still on the locusts.
Greetings from Wingnuttia
So this past Sunday I decided to do something I hadn't done in months - read the Sunday paper. With everything going on with the move I hadn't really had a chance to just kick back and catch up on the news. Running up the street, I reflexively went for the LA Times which, surprisingly, still distributes up here. But my heart sank at the thought of reading about the people and places I'd sadly left behind. Too soon. Maybe one day, but not today. So instead of the newspaper, I picked up the Bakersfield Californian.
Oh sure, it looks like a newspaper, but don't be fooled - it's a collection of press releases and talking points from the Kern County Republican Party. The front page headline was about the "rising tide for the GOP". Next to that was a photo of Darth Vader himself, Dick Cheney. Seems he's going to be coming to town to address the Bakersfield Business Forum. That should prove to be interesting - what on earth will he talk about? Boosting sales with electro-shock and rubber hoses? Inside there were profiles of 12 "up and coming Republicans", 10 of them pudgy white men. A glowing puff piece about the Teabagger "movement". Beneath that was a brief rundown of all the electoral races coming up in the county for 2010. In a nutshell, the choice in each race is between a stark raving mad conservative Republican, and a bat shit insane uber-conservative Republican. What news stories there were were presented through the Republican perspective. There was no crisis too large, no problem too small, that didn't present a tremendous opportunity for the GOP. And they had solutions for each problem! The fact that in most cases, the Republicans created the problems in the first place was conveniently omitted. Budget crisis in Sacramento? TAX CUTS! Healthcare? STICK IT TO THE TRIAL LAWYERS! Water shortage in Kern County? BUILD A MASSIVE CANAL AND STEAL THE WATER FROM UP NORTH! State Parks closed for budget reasons? VEND THEM OUT TO DEVELOPERS AND STRIP MINE THEM!
This comes on the heels of my first, and let's hope last, exposure to Glenn Beck. I had to take my dogs for a routine check-up at the vet last week, and there he was, on the waiting room plasma screen. It was an up close and personal view of the Bizarro World of the Wingnuts. He was railing on about secret plot of the UN to take over this country and subject us, against our will, to a NEW WORLD ORDER. For 20 minutes I watched him ramp up the paranoia, with a scary mix of fear and obvious glee. As with most conservative conspiracy theories, as much as they feign horror at the thought, they seem to actually be hoping for it to come true. He wound it up to a fever pitch - they were going to take away our rights! Our liberty! Our GUNS! And then he threw it out to his two guests -
"UN takeover..... imminent? Or ALREADY UNDERWAY!!!!"
Those were the only two choices. Both guests chuckled. They scoffed. I thought "Thank God - someone is going to be the voice of reason here.." Only to have them both suddenly glower....... " I M M I N E N T".
And more frightening than was what was happening onscreen was what was happening around me - everyone was sitting in absolute rapt attention, several of them bobbing their heads in you-tell-it-sister agreement. I now live with these people.
It would be easy to just kind of laugh all this off. Hope that in time, as none of these vast conspiracies bear any fruit, that people will come to their senses. But then that wouldn't be good news for the GOP, so they have a vested interest in constantly banging the gong and whipping people into a frenzy. These people have been turned into tightly wound springs just waiting for their "Red Dawn" moment.
There's a bumper sticker you see around town.... GOD BLESSS THE TROOPS - ESPECIALLY THE SNIPERS!"
No - God help us.
Oh sure, it looks like a newspaper, but don't be fooled - it's a collection of press releases and talking points from the Kern County Republican Party. The front page headline was about the "rising tide for the GOP". Next to that was a photo of Darth Vader himself, Dick Cheney. Seems he's going to be coming to town to address the Bakersfield Business Forum. That should prove to be interesting - what on earth will he talk about? Boosting sales with electro-shock and rubber hoses? Inside there were profiles of 12 "up and coming Republicans", 10 of them pudgy white men. A glowing puff piece about the Teabagger "movement". Beneath that was a brief rundown of all the electoral races coming up in the county for 2010. In a nutshell, the choice in each race is between a stark raving mad conservative Republican, and a bat shit insane uber-conservative Republican. What news stories there were were presented through the Republican perspective. There was no crisis too large, no problem too small, that didn't present a tremendous opportunity for the GOP. And they had solutions for each problem! The fact that in most cases, the Republicans created the problems in the first place was conveniently omitted. Budget crisis in Sacramento? TAX CUTS! Healthcare? STICK IT TO THE TRIAL LAWYERS! Water shortage in Kern County? BUILD A MASSIVE CANAL AND STEAL THE WATER FROM UP NORTH! State Parks closed for budget reasons? VEND THEM OUT TO DEVELOPERS AND STRIP MINE THEM!
This comes on the heels of my first, and let's hope last, exposure to Glenn Beck. I had to take my dogs for a routine check-up at the vet last week, and there he was, on the waiting room plasma screen. It was an up close and personal view of the Bizarro World of the Wingnuts. He was railing on about secret plot of the UN to take over this country and subject us, against our will, to a NEW WORLD ORDER. For 20 minutes I watched him ramp up the paranoia, with a scary mix of fear and obvious glee. As with most conservative conspiracy theories, as much as they feign horror at the thought, they seem to actually be hoping for it to come true. He wound it up to a fever pitch - they were going to take away our rights! Our liberty! Our GUNS! And then he threw it out to his two guests -
"UN takeover..... imminent? Or ALREADY UNDERWAY!!!!"
Those were the only two choices. Both guests chuckled. They scoffed. I thought "Thank God - someone is going to be the voice of reason here.." Only to have them both suddenly glower....... " I M M I N E N T".
And more frightening than was what was happening onscreen was what was happening around me - everyone was sitting in absolute rapt attention, several of them bobbing their heads in you-tell-it-sister agreement. I now live with these people.
It would be easy to just kind of laugh all this off. Hope that in time, as none of these vast conspiracies bear any fruit, that people will come to their senses. But then that wouldn't be good news for the GOP, so they have a vested interest in constantly banging the gong and whipping people into a frenzy. These people have been turned into tightly wound springs just waiting for their "Red Dawn" moment.
There's a bumper sticker you see around town.... GOD BLESSS THE TROOPS - ESPECIALLY THE SNIPERS!"
No - God help us.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Home Sweet... Whatever
Aaaaand... I'm back. Just got home from LA awhile ago. And heralding my arrival was the creepy ice cream truck. Like clockwork! Even with Daylights Savings! Seriously, someone needs to check the back of that thing. Probably piled high with bones.
They say misery loves company, and on these trips back to LA, my company is my iPod. I usually just throw it on shuffle.
And the shuffle knows.
It's uncanny. I've made four trips back to civilization since the move, and this has happened EVERY SINGLE TIME. Headed out of town, about the time I hit Mettler, the shuffle shifts to happy music - mostly dance music from my decadent past and Madonna. Coming back from LA, once I pass Ft. Tejon and head down the Grapevine, the shuffle switches to mostly "Les Miserables" and classical dirges. (I mentioned I was gay, right?) The shuffle knows my pain.
Anyway, the trip was mostly painless. It wasn't technically to LA, but rather Burbank, which has it's own charm issues. Could be a Bako sister city. The "sophisticated" sister.
And as I made the decent down the Grapevine I was shocked to see Bako, and in fact the whole San Joaquin Valley, had been wiped off the map! Oh happy day! But who's kidding who - I knew it had just been swallowed up by the bad air. The air is grey, the sky, such as it is, is grey, it all just blends together and gives you the impression you're just descending into a void. And sure enough, the outlines of Hooterville appeared through the haze soon enough.
They say misery loves company, and on these trips back to LA, my company is my iPod. I usually just throw it on shuffle.
And the shuffle knows.
It's uncanny. I've made four trips back to civilization since the move, and this has happened EVERY SINGLE TIME. Headed out of town, about the time I hit Mettler, the shuffle shifts to happy music - mostly dance music from my decadent past and Madonna. Coming back from LA, once I pass Ft. Tejon and head down the Grapevine, the shuffle switches to mostly "Les Miserables" and classical dirges. (I mentioned I was gay, right?) The shuffle knows my pain.
Anyway, the trip was mostly painless. It wasn't technically to LA, but rather Burbank, which has it's own charm issues. Could be a Bako sister city. The "sophisticated" sister.
And as I made the decent down the Grapevine I was shocked to see Bako, and in fact the whole San Joaquin Valley, had been wiped off the map! Oh happy day! But who's kidding who - I knew it had just been swallowed up by the bad air. The air is grey, the sky, such as it is, is grey, it all just blends together and gives you the impression you're just descending into a void. And sure enough, the outlines of Hooterville appeared through the haze soon enough.
Burn, Baby, Burn
So they announced on the news this morning that today is a "No Burn Day".
Hmmm.... "No Burn" what? Books? Witches? They didn't say.
Obviously it has something to do with the wretched air quality here. Maybe they're afraid it's going to spontaneously combust today. Certainly wouldn't surprise me. The air quality is measured on a sliding scale, with nifty graphics on the newscasts. At one end, you have "Good", which you never have to worry about because you're never going to see it. They might as well as labeled it "Unicorns". At the other end, you have "Hazardous", which I imagine leaves people collapsed on the ground in spasms, gasping for air like fish on a boat deck. Haven't seen that yet, put everyone acts as if it's right around the river bend. Which leaves every day in this great nebulous middle range labeled "Unhealthy for Sensitive People". "Sensitive People" is code for "People With Lungs". At any rate, it's not something I have to worry about today, because I'm off to LA to pick up a job. Never thought I'd look forward to LA for a breath of fresh air, but there you go.
Hmmm.... "No Burn" what? Books? Witches? They didn't say.
Obviously it has something to do with the wretched air quality here. Maybe they're afraid it's going to spontaneously combust today. Certainly wouldn't surprise me. The air quality is measured on a sliding scale, with nifty graphics on the newscasts. At one end, you have "Good", which you never have to worry about because you're never going to see it. They might as well as labeled it "Unicorns". At the other end, you have "Hazardous", which I imagine leaves people collapsed on the ground in spasms, gasping for air like fish on a boat deck. Haven't seen that yet, put everyone acts as if it's right around the river bend. Which leaves every day in this great nebulous middle range labeled "Unhealthy for Sensitive People". "Sensitive People" is code for "People With Lungs". At any rate, it's not something I have to worry about today, because I'm off to LA to pick up a job. Never thought I'd look forward to LA for a breath of fresh air, but there you go.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Random Good Things About Bako: #1
Our relatively successful Halloween has gotten me thinking: Perhaps I've been too harsh about this place. Perhaps I'm choosing to only see the bad things. Perhaps I'm, oh, what's the word..... B I T T E R. No place is entirely loathsome, or so I keep telling myself. Maybe it's time to look on the bright side, walk on the sunny side of the street, look at the glass as half full for a change. So in an effort to be fair and balanced, I'm going to present the good along with the bad, however rarely they may come up. And with that in mind I present "Random Good Things About Bako: #1":
Nobody Here Picks Up Dog Shit
As a dog owner myself, it's quite liberating. Oh sure, the sidewalks are minefields and the lawns that haven't been turned into the Everglades with all the constant watering are pooped all to hell. But no one seems to mind. No one. Everyone in this neighborhood has dogs, so maybe it's just a tit for tat thing. Or shit for shat, as the case may be. You can't really get pissed about dog shit on your lawn if you've allowed yours to do the same thing to everyone else. Whatever the reason, it's just one small thing off my "to do" list.
I used to be the type of person who believed the content of your character was measured in no small part by what you did when no one was looking, and so from the moment we got the dogs I always did the conscientious thing and scooped the poop. Until one of our neighbors in LA left a big steaming pile on our doorstep. I was pretty sure who did it, and as luck would have it, a couple of days later I was able to return the favor. But that was it. Honest. And it was justified. The one exception to the rule. OK, almost the only one. There was also the asshole producer who lived at the top of our hill. He was a dick. But really, just those two. But you know, as with most things in life, it's a slippery slope, and the next thing you know I was completely ambivalent about it. More often than not, I still took care of the business, but it really came down to a quick calculation of how dark it was and neighborhood sightlines.
And then we moved here and I reverted to my old, thoughtful ways. Out of fear. These people scared me, and more likely than not, they were armed. But it soon became clear that rather than be a capital, shootable offense, it was... nothing. The sense of freedom is rather surprising. Like joining a nudist colony, I imagine. I still carry bags, but their just props. Or for the rare occasion when the deed happens right in front of a glowering homeowner. And occasionally I still pick it up, for old times sake. I'm nostalgic that way.
Nobody Here Picks Up Dog Shit
As a dog owner myself, it's quite liberating. Oh sure, the sidewalks are minefields and the lawns that haven't been turned into the Everglades with all the constant watering are pooped all to hell. But no one seems to mind. No one. Everyone in this neighborhood has dogs, so maybe it's just a tit for tat thing. Or shit for shat, as the case may be. You can't really get pissed about dog shit on your lawn if you've allowed yours to do the same thing to everyone else. Whatever the reason, it's just one small thing off my "to do" list.
I used to be the type of person who believed the content of your character was measured in no small part by what you did when no one was looking, and so from the moment we got the dogs I always did the conscientious thing and scooped the poop. Until one of our neighbors in LA left a big steaming pile on our doorstep. I was pretty sure who did it, and as luck would have it, a couple of days later I was able to return the favor. But that was it. Honest. And it was justified. The one exception to the rule. OK, almost the only one. There was also the asshole producer who lived at the top of our hill. He was a dick. But really, just those two. But you know, as with most things in life, it's a slippery slope, and the next thing you know I was completely ambivalent about it. More often than not, I still took care of the business, but it really came down to a quick calculation of how dark it was and neighborhood sightlines.
And then we moved here and I reverted to my old, thoughtful ways. Out of fear. These people scared me, and more likely than not, they were armed. But it soon became clear that rather than be a capital, shootable offense, it was... nothing. The sense of freedom is rather surprising. Like joining a nudist colony, I imagine. I still carry bags, but their just props. Or for the rare occasion when the deed happens right in front of a glowering homeowner. And occasionally I still pick it up, for old times sake. I'm nostalgic that way.
They Live
So, Bako didn't let me down last night! Never thought I'd ever write that sentence. But the truth of the matter is Halloween proved to be a moderate success. We're still arguing over how to tally the night, either by knocks on the door (7), versus number of customers served, like McDonalds (15), but any way you slice it it was a vast improvement over our last attempt. All in all it was a lovely day. Spent most of the day fine tuning the decorations, and I carved a likeness of our dogs into a pumpkin - my parents will be thrilled to know that expensive art school education isn't going to waste. The cocktails came out early, dinner was great and we got to scare some kids. What more could you want?
If there was a disappointment, it was trying to find a good scary movie to watch. All week long every channel seemed to be running all the great horror films, but on Halloween itself, the pickens were slim. We started watching "Night of the Living Dead", but once you've been to the mall here, it kind of loses it's punch. It too closely mirrors day to day life in Bako. I suggested "Australia" - if Nicole Kidman's over-acting doesn't qualify as scary I don't know what does. But that got nixed as not Halloween-ish enough. We finally settled for some forgettable film called "Circus of Horrors", which was a little light on the "horrors" and a little heavy on the "circus". There's a reason it was forgettable. We fell asleep.
If there was a disappointment, it was trying to find a good scary movie to watch. All week long every channel seemed to be running all the great horror films, but on Halloween itself, the pickens were slim. We started watching "Night of the Living Dead", but once you've been to the mall here, it kind of loses it's punch. It too closely mirrors day to day life in Bako. I suggested "Australia" - if Nicole Kidman's over-acting doesn't qualify as scary I don't know what does. But that got nixed as not Halloween-ish enough. We finally settled for some forgettable film called "Circus of Horrors", which was a little light on the "horrors" and a little heavy on the "circus". There's a reason it was forgettable. We fell asleep.
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